There is one reason I remain in the corporate world: mandatory pre-meeting icebreakers. Yes, there is the whole part where you get to know the nuances, neuroses, and embarrassing moments of your co-workers that you can strategically use against them later as covert punishment and/or boredom quenching entertainment. My favorite part is where I get to make up shit about myself. My last team thought I was a WWE tagteam star, traveling the small regional circuit until I had to quit to follow my dream of being a standup comedian. The group before that thought that I was in the Navy Seals and every time they would ask a question, I would stare dreamingly into the distance and whisper, “I can’t talk about it.” I prefer to remain the wildcard in the office. The wildcard may play the Ghostbusters soundtrack on loop, use idioms incorrectly like “twelve of one, 1/6th of another”, start a fight club, wear pajama jeans, and decorate their office with an inappropriate amount of artificial foliage. The best part is ambiguous unpredictability really makes any level of work seem exceptional. All my leaders know – you want to motivate Hayley, have her organize the mandatory fun or give her an occasion to bake/consume treats.
So it was no surprise when I discovered and instantly fell in love with the hilarity of David Fullarton’s “Pictures with words on them”, especially the mischeviously apathetic “apology” card.
Ahhh…Few things will make me feel better after a long day then passive agressive notes. Yet on those really tough days you just have to decompress, head to your fave city, and TREAT YO SELF! Snacks, facials, desserts, whiskey, cashmere sweaters – whatever gets you mellow, just TREAT YO SELF. Take this advice from the Parks and Rec crew:
As a vegan ya’ll, Portland is a place to treat yo self to sweets galore! The following is just some flavas of our favorite city – more to come!
PORTLAND ‘TREAT YO SELF’ TOUR 2012
Our last trip to Voodoo involved a wiry gentleman preaching to the line (yes, you WILL wait in line) about the dangers of obesity. Come for the ambiance – stay for the apple fritter.
The magic is in the hole.
If you build me that shelf Evan, I will fill it with donuts. Your call.
Your mouth will lose every shred of it’s once dainty composure.
If it’s passing dem lips then you gots to unzip.
Portland staple and the best drip we have tasted. I’m not totally sure, but you may have to have a handlebar mustache to work there.
There will be a dog out front. You will want to feed it. Don’t.
Cleansing the pallet on the way to more noms.
Road fuel – full octane.
Super bummed that I didn’t get a picture of the gluten-free monster chocolate chip cookie with frosting and topped with, what else, another cookie. I’m not sure the official name, but I call it the loss-of-limb – diabetics beware! We never go wrong at Sweetpea for treats, and their veggie lunch menu looks pretty legit. We recommend the Charlie Brownie (seen here) – tastes like a dense, salty and sweet, chewy and flakey Butterfinger bar.
If treats came with disclaimers, this one would be “Guaranteed to lower your self-esteem”. I’ll take two.
Three words: Vegan soft serve. BOOYAH! We have been having an epic hankering for good dairy-free ice cream, and Back to Eden gave us variety with not only multiple kinds of soft serve but a huge selection of ice cream shakes AND sweet treat baked goods. We ordered a PB & J shake, a chocolate lavender shake, and a cinnamon roll – all amazing.
Is that allure I feel?
A vortex of frosting.
Not your boyfriend’s PB&J.
I got so excited my alien-hand hit it off the table moments later in a fit of glee.
The iceberg tip was tantalized and we are, as always, getting our immune systems prepped for the next round of treats. Hey, the best part about Portland is having our great friends, Sarah and Brian, doing their noble duty by priming our bellies for the lavish culinary delights of PDX.
TREAT YO SELF: Costco bulk
That much dried fruit just becomes counterproductive.
Now don’t you feel better? Looking back on memories of good food gets me ready to face another day! The 4th of July is fast approaching – enjoy your feasts my delightful friends – and be sure to use this opportunity to tell drunk people fake stories about your life. Cheers to being the wildcard!!!